I'm struggling this week. Productivity is plummeting while demands are jockeying for attention. And that's okay. Really. Ebb and flow, give and take. And I freely admit to being a bit frazzled, a lot spacey and overwhelmingly exhausted. So basically your garden variety pre-holiday stress, hold the gravy. This is the last week of NaNoWriMo, and it's not even a blip on my radar. 

So as I drift along the word count abyss, I've been feeling the need to come up with a new blog post. To keep me writing. To give me something different to write about. To keep up with my blog. To keep me from chugging a bottle of tequila while I prep for Thanksgiving. I've had several ideas come to mind with fantastically witty observations or funny anecdotes. Of course, none of these stuck around long enough for me to write them down. At a loss and losing my grip on conscious thought, I latched onto something that came up (again) in conversation tonight.

I am, based on extensive experience, apparently a difficult person to read. 

And, people who try to read anything into my actions are generally (ahem) wrong. I find this fascinating, because I like to think of myself as fairly straight forward and pretty good at reading other people. But people apply their own 'baggage' to their communications and interactions. So if I say, "Okay, let's do that." I don't mean "I'd rather set my face on fire." I am capable of politely bowing out of something I'd rather not do instead of following along like a lemming. 

Point of fact, if I do turn something down it doesn't mean I never want to see that person again. (Because then I'd make mention of that pesky face on fire appointment on my schedule.) It does mean I'm either legitimately busy, I have so little interest in the activity that it's actually sucking the life from me just to think about it, or that I'm so tired or sick that I can barely pick my foot up off the floor. It's not a reflection on how I feel about the asker as a person - unless you're a douchebag wanker, but for the sake of argument let's assume that's not the case. 

Also, one 10 second introduction does not make you an expert in what makes me tick. Someone I am related to by marriage tried to cozy up to me very quickly and prove to me that we could be buddies, which depending on the length a person goes to can be a red flag. Every funny little 'in' joke this person tried to create involved what an obnoxiously opinionated, aggressively angry, catty bitch I was - said the person who made snide comments about the kind of clothes I wore, make-up, etc. See? Baggage. Also, pre-existing crazy, so the red flag was totally warranted. It's funny what people tell you about yourself who don't give you a word edgewise into a single conversation you have with them. 

And just so we're all on the same page (Warning, book may vary.), I have my own baggage I bring to the conversational landscape. I struggle to feel understood, to feel heard. I repeat myself. A lot. If you look away repeatedly, I'm going to assume you're not interested. If you want me to keep talking, I don't recommend a blank stare. "Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, oh, uh huh" does not a conversation make. So if your baggage tells you that me repeating something means something, and my baggage makes me repeat unimportant details I think I might have not been clear about or want to make sure you know that I'm not worried about, we're not going to get very far.

What do you really know about anyone and do the opinions you hold about them reflect more about you than the other person? I'm sure it's variable based on your own insecurities, personal experience and more, as in how much of someone else can you take in once you've filtered them through your own bias. 

I'm pretty sure this didn't amount to what I thought it might when I started thinking about it earlier. But, I wrote. I took a break from the holiday chaos. And for me personally, I took the chance to explore for just a few minutes my need to be understood. And how amazing it is to me that I am so often misunderstood anyway. 

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!