What feedback means to me, or how I didn't take a writing vacation this fall

One of the things that seems to be a natural progression when you establish a rapport with other writer types, or so it seems to me anyway, is the idea of feedback. In my sheltered experience, writing tends to be a solitary endeavor* so the idea of having people read your creations can be both exhilarating and a fate worse than death. Constructive (hopefully) criticism. Dun dun dun.

*Forgive me, I'm old. I am aware of a younger (in theory, ahem) generation's online role playing/interactive fanfiction text/chat/black magic apps/etc. For the purpose of this blog post, I'm only talking about butt in the chair, ignoring other people, headphones on with soundtrack of choice kind of writing. Once upon a time, I engaged in 'primitive' online versions of interactive fanfiction featuring original characters (or OCs). I will refrain from geeking out about that here though. Hopefully.

You can imagine then, that if I've spent more than 20 *gulp* years scribbling furiously about every idea in my head and sharing with next to no one (my period of online geeking out the only exception), the very idea of being ripped to shreds and finding out I'm really not any good is ... well... indescribably horrifying. Me write goodly. Or not.

As I've formed relationships (even if they're only in my head) with other writers, I have been pretty quiet when it comes to discussing my ideas, my plots, my characters, my writing, even if I'm just bursting at the seams about something I'm pretty chuffed about. I keep waiting for someone to point at me and reveal I'm a writing pretender. I keep waiting for someone to tell me it's the stupidest thing they've ever heard.

There is only one time in my life that I was told I didn't write anything special or worth reading. There are plenty (tell me more, tell me more) of times I was told the opposite. And yet, that one negative experience was from someone I considered to be one of the people closest to me and I was a teenager desperate for approval. In the years following, that person revealed her true nature and I spent the better part of my twenties figuratively sewing up the plethora of knife wounds in my back from her hand. So then why, if everything from her was manipulative, have I not been able to dismiss her words about my writing? Why is one person's negativity outweighing a modicum of self-confidence and positive feedback from others?

So. With much reluctance I went to a new critique group started by someone I know. I kicked. I screamed. I drug my feet. There may or may not have been biting. I reminded myself that many writers throughout history didn't have critique groups to rip apart their ideas. 9 rings is too many, 3 is easier for a reader to follow. Don't make her so contrary, who wants to read about a girl who doesn't know her place and a tragic comedy of errors that leads her to love? I'm not really clear on the motivation, why are these people stoning this character to death?  Then again, there are plenty of books that would have benefited from somebody, anybody saying something. I would never! Okay, maybe I would. It rhymes with Lime Hot A Mast Pole. ;-)  

Anywho.... I went. And then I went again. And then I bitched about having a writing assignment and went again. I am still not exactly a critique convert, BUT, it is kind of cool when you hear that people like what you've brought in. That's not to say that critique groups aren't helpful for plenty of people. I'm being completely honest to say that I'm really more in it for the excuse to have people read something I've written to test the waters. Being told I should post my most recent writing exercise online? I could have talked about that for days. No, really. Obnoxious, needy obsession. And then I refocused on NaNoWriMo and grumbled about daily word counts again. Secretly wanting to share my brilliance with the world...  And really, if people hadn't been so kind or positive about what I wrote, I probably would have chalked it up to being right in my insecurities and never gone back.

So to that nagging insecurity in the back of my head, shut-ith up-ith and sit-ith down-ith & hang on for the ride. It's time for something that sounds more like self-confidence to take over.