Now I firmly believe in spreading kindness, letting your own light shine, etc, blah blah, so on and so forth. I was raised by someone who doesn't like attention but does like to help people. My dad is the kind of guy who would give the shirt off his back to help someone but mouth off as a distraction so you wouldn't notice. So as I transition into being a bit more vocal about the good things in life I'm experiencing some mild to moderate discomfort at drawing attention to myself.
Yesterday I took the time to write not only a blog post on here but also a seasonal post on social media about being thankful. It's the first time I've mentioned the changes I've been making in my life to extended family & friends - so if you read these blog posts (bless you) and you're doing so because you know me, you are in a select group of a few people in my life I trust to read these meanderings. The rest of you, you're creeping me out (but bless you, too - can I get you something to drink?).
I was careful in my gratitudes because part of growth tends to be outgrowing some people and that can be tricky. Or for my purposes, out growing being used. Out growing being forced to continually prove my friendship because putting my life on hold repeatedly to help each and every time this person hit bottom and everything in between isn't enough to show I care. It's embarrassing to admit how far I let myself be used, because make no mistake, I was a party to it. I participated in allowing myself be treated this way because a shitty, thoughtless friend who used to be kind of nice was better than no one at all. Until it wasn't.
There was no break up scene, no litany of the ways I felt hurt. I dealt with my own stuff and just took a solid step backwards. And then in time, another. And then, a few more. And each time my guilt got the better of me, each time I wanted to give one more benefit of the doubt to this person, he or she would do something so ridiculous it reminded me to stay the hell away. Social media would light up periodically with blatant cries for attention he or she was not getting. From me. A half dozen sycophants jumped up to swear their fealty, crawling over each other to prove their commitment to this person was stronger than the others. Do they know he or she talks about how worthless they all are when they aren't around?
No thanks.
As I mentioned before, I wanted to be careful in what I said in my list of things I'm thankful for. I'm still not exactly over the bitchy part of a once close friendship ending. I'll admit it. Because as some of you may not know, friendships can break up with as much style and and as many fireworks as a messy divorce. I didn't want to let fly a snippy, passive aggressive comment and set off e.p.i.c.d.r.a.m.a.2.0.1.5. My inner editor took great care here and in the end I only needed to take out one or two lines to make sure I stuck with gratitude and not negativity. It was all about gratitude, all about taking a personal journey and being positive.
And my holiday ode to positivity, new beginnings, weathering turbulence of the past year and the journey to find my bliss? I got some very lovely comments from people. Also? A passive aggressive diatribe about faithless friends and this person having his or her own personal journey. If you read my previous post about people projecting their baggage, this is a fun twist on projection. A person who is angry and probably not winning an argument (usually one they start) takes your words, twists them around and lobs them back at you. In my experience, laughing to their face or pointing out what they're doing doesn't help. It IS the point in a spirited exchange to consider stepping back because irrationality is fueling their fire. Even if the 'exchange' is one sided and on social media.
It's not entirely true that it costs nothing to be kind. There are cases of extreme tongue biting in the quest for peace, potentially to the point of needing medical attention. BUT, I will feel better working on spreading kindness and saving biting retorts for the characters in my novels. I will continue to work at being the change I'd like to see in the world. Being nice is different than being a doormat, and not being a doormat is different than being a jerk. So for everyone of you doing your best and trying to be kind, keep up the good work.
My last thought: Thanksgiving coincided with a full moon. If you survived another holiday with crazy family, drunk friends or whatever your particular situation was, you get an extra gold star this year. Do something nice for yourself. Soak in the tub with a good book. Sip a mug of peppermint hot chocolate or a gingerbread latte. Chat with a friend who makes you feel heard. Bake a batch of cookies. Treat yourself to a pedicure. Snuggle a puppy and rub his or her little warm belly. Go see a movie. Color. Go try something on your bucket list. Hell, if you have the resources, take a mini-vacation. Failing all else, go have that extra slice of pie you were eyeing earlier. You can have a salad or a lettuce wrap for lunch tomorrow.
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