What's it like to have a traditional (as if the idea even really exists) mother? What's it like having your mom call and nag you about who you're dating, your marriage, when you are having kids, why you don't have kids, why you have so many kids, why you make your meatloaf with breadcrumbs instead of corn flakes, etc etc etc? What's it like to be able to call your mom at times of immense stress for advice or support? What's it like to have a mom who doesn't look at you at least once a month like you're dog poop on new shoes or the devil in the flesh?
It's not my intent to sound whiny. Truly, I have been very clear that aside from the strain of watching your parents decline, it has been special to spend time with them. However my thoughts come across tonight, I am grateful my parents are still here and are with me.
Tonight though, is the reflection of a typically difficult evening with my mother. She cycles, and right now we are in the midst of an obsession about her health. Specifically, about a malady she is convinced she has.
This has been a fairly common thing for her to struggle with, but over the last few years as she's aged, as all of our lives grow and change, the rest periods are fewer and farther between. It's my understanding that hypochondria and medical obsessions can be common/co-morbid with various mental illnesses. This is not to be confused with some doctors who believe anything outside of what they expect a patient to say is all in their head. Those people are assholes. And are all too common to find.
In my youth, I was aware of my mom having a few medical problems in addition to whatever she saw the psychiatrist for. Aside from her being in the hospital for a procedure once or twice when I was a kid, I wasn't really aware of what specifically was wrong with my mother. Her medical problems (along with her psychiatric issues) seemed to slowly increase after I was a teenager. When I was in college and we lived apart, I remember her needing a few surgeries but also that there started to be lots of testing for everything under the sun.
Around the time my first nibling was born, the dam burst and she had what ended up being a physical manifestation of her mental illness. And it went on for years. The slightest stress, the slightest worry, her mind wandering far away from us and dwelling on the dark recesses hidden from the world would send my mom into what looked like a seizure. Except they weren't. Endless testing and doctors and tinkering with medications proved it. I noticed the correlation and if I distracted her before the tremors progressed beyond her hands, I could stop what was coming. Over time (like almost a decade) this psychosomatic situation slowly dissipated until we realized she hadn't had one in more than a year. From time to time, especially over the last year or two, the tremors in her hands start up when she's getting lost in her own head, but it hasn't moved beyond that stage. Thankfully.
My mom portrays herself as a very fragile and unloved victim when she's not well. I can't begin to count the number of times she's manipulated people to try to get them to believe she's mistreated - to the point I was once almost arrested and another time my freaking siblings believed it. And I know that part of it is her illness and part of this is because she was abused as a child and wants someone to recognize that something's been done to her. There's a disconnect that she's safe and comfortable now. The rational part of my mom's brain set sail a long, long time ago.
The short version of her medical obsessions is that nothing has ever been found. Which I understand better than some that medical testing is not infallible. But if you had even the slightest understanding of the diversity and inconstant nature of her maladies you would understand that there isn't anything to be found. I've taken her to just about every kind of specialist known to man. She's got some medical issues, absolutely. But then she reads the warning label for whatever prescriptions she gets and we spend months (or longer) hearing that she's got every single fatal symptom listed. Her doctors have asked us not to let her see the inserts on the medicines anymore.
Also, her symptoms and complaints vary depending on problems or illnesses being experienced by other members of the household. If I have a sinus infection, within 2 days of her knowing, she's taken to her bed. My mother has had maybe 4 colds in my lifetime. Tops. If I'm having an arthritis flare up, suddenly she needs a cane to walk. If my father's sick... well, when he's sick she's convinced he's dying, but once he's on the mend she's 'sick' for the next week. My husband had tendonitis and she needed a sling for her arm.
So I'm on day two and a half of fighting a crappy bug I must have picked up this last weekend. I've recently suggested that a contributing factor to my mom's 'crippling' back and knee pain is the chair she spends 65% of her day in - because I sat in it for an hour and could barely walk afterwards. Which means it's time for her to switch her obsession to something I can't fix. If that sounds narcissistic, trust me, I get it. But I'm also 30+ years into my mom's weird relationship with me. The minute I suggest something practical to help with her pain, discomfort, illness, whatever, her eyes bulge, she leans towards me and starts slinging as much sludge as she can my way. I am mean. And I am evil. And I don't provide the care and necessities she needs. Today she tried to tell me that she's never allowed to go see the doctor. I asked her about her regularly scheduled visits with at least 3 doctors and why she hasn't made an appointment to see a doctor about the current illness du jour if it's as serious as she believes. She didn't care for reality and became even more hostile.
Sigh.
This too shall pass. She'll either cycle out of the obsession or fixate on something else. I'd like to hope she'll have a lull, but so far I don't see that on the horizon. Tomorrow my dad is supposed to call her doctor about today's concern to get a recommendation of treating at home, coming in for a check-up or going straight to the specialist Mom's seen in the past.
Hopefully, tomorrow is a calmer day.
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