From the time I was born to the time I got married, my family moved seven times. I went to three different elementary schools in 1st grade (courtesy a move to the next town over and placement in an accelerated learning program) and three middle schools my 7th grade year (my dad was transferred, then got a new job out of state). Halfway through my sophomore year we moved across country again, bringing on another school switch. You would think I'd be really good at making new friends or learning how to fit in, but instead I became really good at being quiet, observing, staying on the peripheral, guarding who I am. Bookish. 

What I excel at, really, is keeping my cards close to the vest. It's been a long process to work on loosening just how guarded I am. I think given my family's history some might expect that I'm hiding some dark secret shame, looking for a safe place to reveal what haunts me. The reality, at least as I chew on the idea at the moment, is I think I'm protecting people from me and protecting myself and my story from judgement.

Not a lot of people I've come across, at least as far as I've tested the bonds of social convention, intelligent exchange and emotional maturity, wouldn't recoil at the idea of a chronically mentally ill mother (by way of severe childhood trauma that shattered a family coupled with high intelligence and probably a predisposition to mental illness), an absent-minded professor crossed with an anti-authority type father (also super intelligent but wounded), with an inappropriate and twisted sense of humor and an affinity for Disney, the macabre, all things British, and (if I'm going to get really honest) collectible fantasy Barbie dolls. You're judging me for the Barbie thing, aren't you? (Don't worry, I judge that part too. Guilty, filthy, gleeful pleasure...)

See, it's not that I'm ashamed of where I come from.. And it's not that I don't like who I am. I've made mistakes. I have had triumphs. And I'm completely aware that I'm a work in constant progress. I have never aspired to really idolize or have a hero. My entire life whenever I've had an assignment to talk about who I'd aspire to be, I've bristled. I've almost never aspired to be anyone other than who I can be. Sure, I've had moments of not liking myself or being pissed at myself for being so stupid or what have you, but I'm pretty proud to say that except for my mistakes, I like myself.  I've always seen the potential of what I can be. 

I think perhaps because of recognizing the value in myself, and probably a hearty dose of childhood bullying, I've taken great pains to protect myself. I've taken great pains how to share who I am, what happens in my life, with the few people I've observed who I think might possibly get it. Not necessarily understand, but won't think I'm tainted (or treat my parents like they are) or think I couldn't possibly be a functional human being and treat me like I'm going to fracture at a moment's notice. I appreciate people who check in and really care, because historically I've reinforced 'friends' to marginalize how I'm doing to lessen their discomfort. But really, I don't want people to be uncomfortable with my story. Some of it is really funny. Some of it is heart-breaking. Some of it infuriates me. Some of it makes me believe that there is a reason for everything. 

I've had a few decades to deal with my family's story. I've had a few decades to figure out where I am in life and make peace with where that is. I'm working on how to relate that to other people. It's a delicate process, at least to my mind, learning how to share the parts of yourself that the average person would blanch and want to escape from. Truly, it doesn't bother me at all. If it sounds staggering to you, chances are that's what makes me nervous. Because that's just a Tuesday in my house. And I'm perfectly okay with that. And so is my dark elf queen Barbie.