My PCOS Journey Pt 5

To catch up to current time, I've spent the last few years trying a different approach as I watched the unofficial deadline to the last viable chance of fertility inch ever closer.

I still haven't gone to see a reproductive endo. I had someone all picked out, recommended by a primary care doc with an actual understanding and experience with PCOS. We were getting our ducks in a row, again. My husband had gotten a new job a few years back and with it new insurance, although the insurance changed every year, changing co-pays, deductibles, doctors, networks, etc. Just as I was preparing to wade back into the waters and give it the old college try, he had a health scare. It turned out to be a false alarm, but it did propel him to work on a healthier lifestyle so that's a win. And then for good measure, life happened. You know, like it does. My husband lost his job. No warning and never been in trouble. (I feel the need to defend him, as though people are judging that there must be something wrong with him.) We had just financed our first vehicle since the one I worried about paying for when I was laid off all those years ago. (Which we paid off on time, for the record, like seven years ago.) 

My husband has a new job now, one that I'm proud to say, is with the kind of place he's worked hard to get to. And of course we have insurance along with it, I'm grateful to report. I realize there's a whole governmental thing (technical term) in place for that now, but I'll still choose to be grateful for employer provided health insurance. 

As for the different approach I've taken after the variety of upheavals (aka, life) is to read the PCOS studies as they are being published. (Fun fact, most are being done in Italy. I don't know why this is, but I'm just glad someplace is taking this seriously as the rest of the American medical community plays catch up.) Slowly, the treatments found to be beneficial in these clinical trials and studies are being introduced into America despite being readily available in Europe for years already. That's a long way of saying I'm working on it with over the counter supplements, exercise and stress management. I'm learning to de-stress more, live in the moment and meditating. All good things for overall health anyway. I've stopped peeing on ovulation sticks and charting and all the other busy work that goes into following your cycle and waiting for ovulation. I'm spending more quality time with my husband, not time agonizing about what's going to be or what if it isn't to be. I'm focusing on writing and what brings me joy. I've taken to doing crosswords with my mom and coloring from time to time.  In other words, I'm finding the joy in my life each day. I've stopped being so afraid of being alone at the end of my life if I don't conceive or I'm not able to adopt. I hadn't realized that until recently. For the first time in my married life, in my PCOS life, I've stopped spending every spare moment thinking about conceiving. Completely unintentional, but it's a relief nonetheless. Something I wondered if I'd ever be able to do. And I didn't even realize it until I wrote this series. 

Don't get me wrong. I can almost feel the arms of a child of my own wrapped around my neck while their sleepy head rests against my shoulder. My arms almost ache from it. But it doesn't consume me anymore. I hit the mythical threshold of that decline in female fertility. Nothing happened. No baby. No magical wand restoring my cycles. But also no heartache. No feeling of failure. I believe, as in all fairy tales, in the possibility of a happy ending still. But I also now believe the ending can be happy if it goes another way. I feel hope either way. 

The last blood work I got back from using the supplements was as though I were taking prescriptions, which is in line with what the medical studies I read showed. So far, no improvement to my periods, but I feel better. My attitude is better. PCOS affects more than my fertility, so feeling physically better is important. 

Getting philosophical (or loopy from staring at the screen for so long), I could suggest that things keep popping up because it's not been the right time yet, or because maybe like my endo suggested, I shouldn't put my body through all that. I could also suggest that it's all a test for how bad I wanted it, and I never wanted it bad enough to crawl across molten shards of glass carrying a venomous eel so it hasn't happened. And of course, I could also suggest that it's just life and shit happens to everyone and there's no reason to see anything more in it. 

As a side note, since this is my PCOS/TTC journey, I haven't discussed adoption. I'm very open to it, and always thought I'd have a house of biological and adopted children before I knew about PCOS and infertility. But, this series of posts is about my journey to conceive, so I stuck with that aspect.

Thanks for following along with my journey, especially those of you who could go your whole life without reading one thing about ovaries and periods.