People are judgmental. It feels hardwired into our society, a kind of self-soothing defense mechanism for some. When you are, by all appearances, a fully functioning adult living in the modern world, if you are not fitting into a particular idea - be it size, race, religion, gender, employment, sexual orientation, child-bearing status, etc - people let you know. And if you hit several boxes that go against perceived 'norms', hang on for dear life.
Last week, when things felt a little meltdown-y in my personal space, I was at the pharmacy for what felt like hours trying to getting something straightened out about a prescription. The pharmacy team at my pharmacy are my own personal angels and go above and beyond to help out when doctor's offices, insurance companies and suppliers are an issue. (That being said, it can be discouraging to have spent so much time at a pharmacy that you get to know each other well. Also? I just spend way too much time there. It's exhausting.) While waiting for the problematic prescription to finally be filled, one of the staff asked me if I was off work that day. Remembering my caregiver post-that-wasn't, I paused and said this is my job. I got a puzzled look from everyone behind the counter and instantly a defensive smirk twisted my lips. I explained I don't work outside of the house (and fought the urge to say 'anymore', as though to somehow prove my worth) and that I take care of my older folks.
In response, a deflated expression and a neutral, "That's a full time job."
You have no idea. Literally, no idea. These people who fill my mom's multitude of anti-psychotics... they don't know that today I talked my mom out of suggesting to my dad that he should divorce her because she's got too many problems and he should be able to lead a happier life. They don't know what it takes to get her to bathe, eat properly, just live. They don't know that she went so far out into the galaxy two nights ago and was so hysterical, new medicine be damned, that I wasn't sure I'd be able to calm her down.
I have found that the majority of people who don't have to hide some level of distaste at my answer are the ones who have had to or currently provide care for someone. I wonder too, if some of the responses are because my taking care of my parents brings up an uncomfortable topic. Parents aging. Parents being sick. Parents dying. Death in general.
Tomorrow, I will take my dad in for the first of two surgeries. He's all but climbing the walls with anxiety. And I may have to order a tranq gun from a zoo if my mom worries about it much more. My dad doesn't like to include himself in my 'caregiving' umbrella, and he can think that all he likes, but I know better. I re-wrote his pre-op instructions so he could follow what he had to do the past few days easier. He still skipped around the page and took medications out of order or missed something. He gets aggravated that I checked, but I caught and corrected the issue. His idea of making dinner if I'm not around is to cook meat. No vegetables. No sides. Just meat. The man who gave me hell for wasting electricity by watching music videos instead of listening to the radio now leaves the television and lights on in every room he's goes through during the day.
The funny thing is, if I had been able to have children, a lot of the looks and comments I get about being a caregiver would be replaced in the working mom/stay-at-home mom wars. When I tell certain women that I have news or something in my life has changed, I'm asked one of two questions. Did I get a job (finally)? or Am I having a baby (also, finally)?
So how do you define yourself when society dictates that you must have value by virtue of your career or your family? How do you ignore the scoffs and derision from the people judging you? Even your own family perhaps. How do you stifle anger or hurt when 'friends' or relatives make comments about all the free time you must have?
By owning who you are. By accepting you're doing what needs to be done. By not seeking validation & accepting none is needed. By realizing that every person has their own issues and you don't need to be sucked into their negativity. It's as simple and as difficult as that. It's a process, as everything else in life is.
In the grand scheme of what's going on in the world, this is not something that keeps me up at night. It's like a gnat, irritating and in your face at times, but temporary. Then again, if you can work on that inner peace I keep seeing lovely brochures for, maybe you can send out more peace and love in the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment