Impostor Syndrome - Artist level

One of the wonders of the internet, if you're the kind of person who dodges comment section vitriol, 'guaranteed' home remedies, click bait and the like, is stumbling across pockets of information or like-minded squirrelly folks who enlighten you about things you'd otherwise dare not speak. Or, you know, just not have a name for.

For instance, a month or two ago I came across someone who introduced me to the term "ghosting". It's where people suddenly drop any and all contact with you, avoiding you even, with no warning or explanation. I'm familiar with this situation from a number of experiences, mostly though when I stop enabling users to suck all the goodie out of me so they drop me like a bad habit in search of their next lackey. In reality, when I'm not in a catty mood about it, it's when someone I thought I was close to suddenly can't handle a mature, mutually respectful relationship so they push me away. And then usually lament, on social media, of some mysterious loss in their life they don't understand. I've hit the point in my life I don't chase them down and help figure things out. If I don't have to help bathe, clothe or feed ya, I don't need to respond to your drama.

On a more personally applicable level, an ah-ha moment came for me when I read about impostor syndrome (or phenomenon). Essentially, a person believes that she or he is less capable, intelligent, successful than the rest of the world perceives them.

Holy shitballs, you mean other people feel that way, too?!

Curious to see where you score on a questionnaire designed by one of the psychologists who coined the phrase?  Impostor Phenomenon Questionnaire  I came across this while doing a bit of research for this post, so it didn't factor in how I viewed this IP (impostor phenomenon) relating to me. I'm only slightly amazed that I aced the hell out of this test! Like broke the curve on that bad boy.

Let's move forward a bit from the realization that there is in fact a name for this soul crushing paranoia. That it's a little more than just a lack of self esteem or insecurities. And let's move on to the double jeopardy round.

So one of the coolest things to come out of the last few years is leaving my comfort zone, going out into the world and making some new friends. Friends who actually share my interests and expand my horizons. Creative types.

What does that have to do with IP you may be wondering? Because they are crazy, amazing talented. Drop a house on me and knock my shoes off potential. In short, they are annoyingly fantastic in their chosen areas of the written word.

Their book suggestions? Leaps and bounds ahead of the pure entertainment tomes I reach for most often. My TBR pile has grown exponentially to impossible proportions since meeting them. And music? Pardon me while I hide my pop predilections, my reverie for hard rock, my... well, you get the picture. Don't even get me started on the quality, content and volume of movies between us.

I take a little crap, completely good natured, for the way I brush off even the mildest complement about my writing from them. Because I cannot believe pity or scorn is not wrapped firmly around the kindness. Don't they know?! Don't they know that I'm still a 13 year old nerd with buck teeth and glasses, hiding in the downstairs spare room writing fan fiction?! Before that was cool, before there were forums and sites and people who parlayed it into a million-dollar writing career. When are they going to finally rip off the veil and reveal my impostor-dom?

Whew.

Aside from shedding an uncomfortable light on this particular shade of personal anxiety, it's my intent and hope that this topic helps someone else. I'm really big about wanting people to know they aren't alone. When someone shares something, I try to converse with them in such a way that it shows they aren't alone in going through it. NOT to take away their feelings or invalidate their experience, but so that it doesn't foster that sense of isolation. "Hey, me too!" has a ridiculous amount of healing power.

And hopefully it deflects from them noticing I'm an impostor.

On another note, last month marked the 1 year anniversary of this blog. Quality of content and rambling aside, I'm impressed I've kept it going for a whole year.