When I was in 8th grade, I went on a school trip to Washington DC. Our last stop after a few days of site seeing, to the best of my memory anyway, was the zoo. Part way through our day at the zoo, teachers and groups of the "jockier" boys collected everyone else to send back to the bus. A group of girls in my class had been approached by some aggressive guys and groped. In modern (more appropriate) verbiage, you might say assault, molestation, maybe even attempted rape. I don't recall any of those words being used. We sat on our bus, one of those large cross country deals with a restroom where at least 2 kids are going to act up on the trip and get everyone else banned from using it, and waited for I couldn't tell you how long as the powers that be ‘handled’ it.
The rest of us were stunned. The chatter around the bus varied. People talked about what they'd do when faced with something dangerous back home. And I had the dire need to be a part of the conversation. Now I barely knew those girls. But I was horrified. And the chances (skewed by part naivety and part from low crime numbers of a smallish town) of a roving gang of thugs attacking on my way home from school at the time were slim to none. But I formulated a plan of what I'd do just in case.
For years, I've looked back on that moment and thought how ridiculous I was.
In the aftermath of Sunday's tragedy in Orlando, I kind of get it now. My social media news feeds are full of people looking to show a connection and more to the point, make sense of something unimaginable. How can you make sense of something so scary, something close to you but not necessarily directly involving you? How do you process the feelings, the need to do something? It probably makes a lot of sense that our minds start with what we know best, ourselves, when struggling to figure things out.
I graduated from high school and college in Orlando. I've been coming to Central Florida since about 1985 and lived here since middle of the 1990s. I went clubbing in Orlando in college. I have friends and family that could have been in that club. I wouldn't have hesitated to join them for a night out there, except for being old & tired. Music & dancing fought alongside reading for my top interests back before you could hear my joints grind together.
My friends and family in the LGBTQ Central Florida community are devastated. It could have been any of them. Or their family. Or their friends.
I'm heartbroken and angry, too. My LGBTQ nibbling doesn't feel its okay to let their extended family know who they are. Or that their friend is their partner. I am bitterly angry that my friends and family can't even hold hands walking down the street without fear, and the people who have supported denying their rights are suddenly extending their condolences because to not do so at this exact moment would be political suicide. If this wasn't the largest mass shooting in our country's history, would those folks be so carefully, publicly supportive?
I don't have any answers. I'm overwhelmed with a grief I don't feel I have a right to. My family and friends went to bed last night. Woke up this morning. Went about their lives as I did this morning. For the families and friends of the victims…. I just cannot imagine.
My community, Central Florida, is not necessarily comprised of the most tolerant or open minded people at least in part, (I remember my first visit with a newly out high school friend to the LGBT Center, how small it was in such a fire & brimstone area. How could this tiny space be enough of a safe haven for my friends?) but is coming together. 7 hr waits to donate blood, 2 days in a row. Those who can't give blood bringing snacks and drinks, chairs and umbrellas to those waiting to give. Monetary donations to help the families pay for funeral expenses. People offering homes for free to out of town relatives of the victims, offering care for pets left behind or left unattended while their owners heal. Vigils and prayers.
I don't think there's any sense to make of this. I do think there are actions to take in the aftermath. Positive actions. Conversations that need to happen. It's a reality check in too many ways. A catalyst. I want to vomit from the idea that it takes something so horrific to force change.
So I challenge you, each and every one of you who read my blog. (Even those poor souls who stumble across sheerly by accident.) I challenge you to make the world a better place. I challenge you to be kind. I challenge you to take the high road. I challenge you to be patient with those who need it and impatient and unwilling to wait for someone else to make things better. I challenge you to check in with at least one loved one today just to let them know you’re thinking about them. I challenge you to commit to do something that makes you happy, no matter how frivolous you think it is. I challenge you to find something simple about the day to appreciate. Something you’d miss, something trivial and not something you’d think about if your life changed. The perfect mix of syrup and carbonation at a soda fountain. Extra salt on a pretzel. The way your dog’s butt wiggles when they’re happy. The gooey, slobbery kiss of your pet when you least expect it. The sound of your shoes crunching on the ground as you hike. The feeling of typewriter keys under your fingertips. The funny dance your spouse does in the shower when they don’t know (or don’t care if) you’re watching. Seeing butterflies dance around plants bursting with flowers. The smell of roses in the garden at dawn.
I challenge you to live your life, regardless of the scary things that could happen. It's a gift.
Thank you for reading my way of beginning to process what's gone on and how I feel about it. Thank you for visiting my blog - just by stopping by and increasing my views by 1, you make my day better. So in taking my own suggestion, thank you. Thank you.
If you'd like to help out, here are just a few of the ways:
Pulse Tragedy Fund Go Fund Me led by the local LGBT Center in Orlando
Pulse Victim's Fund Go Fund Me led by the state of Florida's LGBT civil rights organization, Equality Florida
Tolerance - many people will be quick to blame, to spread their own feelings of fear or angry or frustration onto others they feel may be associated. This was the act of an unbalanced individual, not the act of a someone who belongs to any civic or faith-based community.
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