Temper - T

The back half of this A to Z challenge we've had a little more time to consider topics. I kept a list for each letter on my phone and added to it as ideas came to me. I've had T dialed in pretty much from the get go, with a few spare ideas just in case.

As usual, my inspiration went a bit off the rails. At first that aggravated me as I sat down with every intention to bang my head against the desk until I trudged my way through my original desired topic (trust, if you're curious).

Today's topic ended up being temper. As in, I have a helluva.

Let me be perfectly clear. I've never hit or committed any kind of violence against another creature. But that's an accurate representation of my brain when my fuse is lit. Except everything is red.

I can simmer for a while, but once the train has left the station, I'm not calming down anytime soon. My dad, at the height of youth and frustration, was known to punch holes in walls once or twice. So I come by it honestly. For the record, I haven't assaulted any drywall either. Well... full disclosure, I fell out of bed once and knocked a knee-sized pothole into the wall. K should have been for klutz.

When I'm seething with rage, when I want to verbally flay the skin from someone's musculature, when I've had enough, I need to laugh, I need cute, fuzzy animals to snuggle, I need... most probably, quiet time and a nap. And only those things after I've made it past the point I'm ready to rip the hair from my head and scream until my throat bleeds.

This inner peace stuff is harder some days than others.

I don't like being angry (or going supernova). It took me a long time to allow myself to be okay with being self-righteous pissed off. Nice people don't show anger or kind people don't tell other people they're upset. Or some other equally limiting nonsense. So I feel it. I sit with it. I accept that in that particular moment, that's the way I feel. New agey stuff that actually makes my temper dissipate quicker. You know, as long as somebody's not chucking kerosene at the source.